my stay in a adolescent mental hospital

i never really thought to post this- but it was requested. so here it is~

for 3 days, 72 hours, i was in Forest View. a hospital for adults and adolescents, though the two are separated. as well girls and boys are separated in their "wings".

when i went in it was to decide if i still was depressed. because my mom was worried and wanted me to have an evaluation, i did not know there was any chance of me becoming inpatient. i spoke with a woman who didn't listen to me, and took everything i said as if it was still affecting me. the things i told her, and i told her at the time, were apart of my past. she just wanted my history with depression. i also told her about my weight loss, and i didn't know how long i'd been losing weight so i told her that i wasn't sure. but it was over the last six months to a year.
they took it to an extreme and decided i was a threat to myself. i was placed inpatient that moment.
they didn't let me talk to my mother, and made her leave, because i had a panic attack and started yelling. i didn't think they could hear- i wouldn't yell at my mom in public. or in privet unless she'd really fucked up. and she did. she listened to "professionals" tell her what happened in my life even though she had NEVER heard of ANYTHING they told her. and she damn well knows i tell her everything. except when i break rules- but i tell her soon after. now i tell her right away because lying isn't worth anything.

anyway, they didn't allow me to go home and get my things, they took my picture and strip searched me so that they knew i wasn't trying to smuggle anything in.
then they lead me to my room. the rooms are awful, the mattresses are about two inches thick. if that. they have one hard pillow, plain white sheets and tiny thin "blanket". two beds to a room, a desk, a closet, and side tables for each bed. that's all.

they don't allow many different things, no electronics, no razors of course, no flat irons or hair driers, no hair gel or styling products, no makeup. you can have a tooth brush, tooth paste, shampoo and conditioner. also, no shoes except slippers, no shoe laces, no strings to tighten your pajama pants or hoods, basically, you're treated the same as they treat you in a prison.

i cried for the rest of the day, never left my room, and tried to get over my panic attack. i hadn't had suicidal thoughts in months. but the fact that i was abandoned by the only person i had IRL made me want to kill myself. seems like a helpful environment, no?
i was finally able to fall asleep- but woke up and had another panic attack. trying not to scream cry i sobbed in as close to silence as i could. and you know what i was told? to shut up. they told me "you're not the only one here, shut up. people are trying to sleep."
they are very kind there.

the next day i woke up and went to the in room dining, because i hadn't been cleared for lunch room dining yet. they fed us those breakfast patty things like from mcdonalds. with egg and a patty in like a biscuit. but much more greasy.
i told them i couldn't stomach this, because it was too greasy. and asked if i could have cereal and SKIM milk instead. i can't stomach 2%. they told me it wasn't greasy, that it was very healthy. i showed them a napkin i dabbed on it covered in grease. they told me "tough shit, no breakfast. you have to eat what we give you because you're not cleared for anything else."
remember, i was there for anorexia.

i didn't get breakfast.

about half an hour later they tried to get me to drink Ensure. i have a very sensitive gag reflex, i gag at just about everything. i can hardly eat yogurt with fruit in it because it's all chunky and disgusting. so i told them it wasn't going to work, they again told me "tough shit" but this time it was the Ensure or they force fed me. i stood right in front of them, took a sit, and choked.
they let me throw it away.

then at snake time they gave me a double dose, two bran muffins and a milk carton. 2%. i told them i can only drink skim. and you know what? THEY FINALLY GAVE IN.
i got skim.
i ate it with out any words.

i met with the dietitian and doctor then. they said i was cleared for lunch room dining, but if i skipped any meals i would have to go back to the in room dining. i had no complaints, i knew if i wanted out i had to play by their rules.
i was also prescribed Cymbalta and Seriquil. depression and anxiety medication. one is basically just to help me sleep.

it was dinner time now, and i shoveled down the disgusting greasy pasta like everyone else. except the other people seemed to /enjoy/ it. everyone was looking at me, i could hear them talk about me as i sat in my room and they had "free time" and it just annoyed me.

this day, the first day technically, i awoke feeling very nauseous. i gave credit to the grease. i ended up passing out on the floor walking to the lunch room for breakfast. they told me it was the medication, and it was, i still feel dizzy often on it. but i have only almost passed out one other time. and only because i missed a dose.

i socialized a lot, put on the biggest smile i could, and did everything and ate everything i was told to.
it was a terrible time, but no one could tell that i felt that way.
what got me through it the most was that i spent free time writing to my best and still my only real friend.
i love my Aoi~

the next day i had my room mates switched, from another girl named Samantha B to an anime nerd. i got along with her very well. it wasn't exactly the next day when she came, it was that night.
i woke up to the sound of a girl crying, i look over to the window and see a figure slumped under it balling her eyes out.
i thought it was the girl from the room next to me, it wasn't. it was a new girl.
she had also been dragged away from her mom- but she didn't even have a hissy fit when it happened. they just dragged her in there.
and you'll never guess what they did when they heard her crying.
they yelled at both of us to go to bed or she'd be tranquilized.
we went to bed. she tried her best to be quiet.

i was pretty much in with everyone by the second day. i acted like i was happy and during every therapy session i just said i wasn't depressed. because i wasn't i didn't feel upset, i didn't feel suicidal. just mad at my mom for sticking me there. like i said- i hadn't had unpleasant thoughts in months. and i still haven't. i just get a little upset every once in awhile. my mom thought i was depressed because i sit in my room 24/7 and never go out and i don't have any friends IRL and the only time i talked to her was when i was having drama with my ex-girlfriend and was all "i hate lifeeeee" which is understandable.
but i am not depressed, i am just BORED.
[sure i may have depression but i'm not depressed. make sense?]

later that day my mom came, and we talked, it's called a family session. we laughed and hugged like everything was normal. i told her the deets about what the drama was going down in the hospital. how i'd been hit on multiple times. how fucked up some of the people were. how bad i felt for them. how disappointed i was in this generation. and after that it was pretty much set in stone i was going home very soon- but i was really upset when it wasn't that day.

a boy had gotten released the day before, and he'd left me his phone number and AIM. i never contacted him when i left, i never would. he was a man whore and it really grossed me out.

anyway~ the day i left, the third day, i woke up really upset. thinking "i might actually be here for a week." but come lunch time i was leaving. it was over. i had been acting- and honestly felt- like nothing was wrong. the terms of my release was that i attend counseling and take my medication.
being admitted and released in 3 days is a pretty big feet, i think. most the people there were there for a week to four at a time.
SO FUCK YOU HOSPITAL.
:3333

when i went to the shrink she laughed, saying i didn't need anything. the only issue i had was not talking to my mother enough- and she was right. mom and i talked, and we're on a great level now. so i guess i'm glad that this experience gave me that.
she's my favorite mom, i wouldn't trade her for anything. even though she messes up sometimes. i do to.
no one is perfect.

basically, the people that were there that i got to know were like this.
one very young girl- who was given up by her parents because she was too difficult. an anorexic child with many behavioral problems. but the thing is, if you just let her do what she wanted she was fine. not like- let her beat people up, but let her bring her teddy bear with her, and give her attention when she wanted it she would be FINE. or if you just got her attention on something else than whatever she was doing wrong- totally fine. she was an absolute sweetheart. but she responded so bad to negative speak that the "experts" gave her that they had to move all of us to a separate room and tranquilize her. she was out for over 16 hours. i was very angry.

a typical "i'm so hxc" teenager. she's bi, she's dating a 20+ year old even though she's only 14, she's had sex, she's attempted suicide, she loves metal, and guess what?! she cuts her own hair~ black clothes, cut marks, what a wonderfully unique person she is. whenever i talked to her i wanted to smack her. she had no problems other than wanting to have problem. i hate people like her.

this one boy, i felt very bad for, he has a genetic problem where his body ages much faster than it should. he'll be dead by 30, because he ages so fast. he was only like 16, he could have been 20-30. he has a child, and works so hard to not be depressed. but he is. i felt so bad. he was so strong but not strong enough. :c

uhm, those were the only interesting people. the rest really kept to themselves or their problems were common ones that aren;t worth mentioning because i don't even remember them.

i must say, i miss the one girl who came in. she was just like me- in a way- not as pretty- but she and i were similar. i hope she got out soon. because all she did was make an empty threat to her mother to get her to understand her feelings were real.
idk i do it a lot, or i did. not anymore.

questions? ask.

how /i/ lose weight

well, if you don't know already you're going to learn now. i am an anorexic. i lost nearly 50 pounds through anorexia my first time, gained 10, lost 10 like two or three times. and i want to lose 10 again.
i am 115.8LBs i would like to be 102. but i'll look at myself harshly at 108, and 106.
i only like some numbers so i have to be one of those three or i'll feel weird.
:3

back when i lost the most weight i ate up to 500 calories a day. sat on webcam all day and talked to people. played DDR and ate one weight waters diet meals a day. that was it.
and i did that for a long ass time. then i started losing weight really slowly because i stopped playing DDR and just starved, it took me so long to get to 106 and then every anorexics worst fear happened-
i was admitted to an inpatient mental hospital.
i gained 6 pounds there and have been losing and gaining for awhile now.
but never going below 108.
i desperately want to get back to where i was almost happy.
i wasn't skeletal but i wasn't perfectly flat yet either.

then in South Dakota i went from 110 to 115.8
and i'm going back to hardcore restricting until i get back down.

as you also know- my mom reads this. and it will scare her a lot. and i feel awful for scaring her. but this is my life, i don't want to live for anyone else. i just want me to be happy.

today i ate a yogurt, a mini bagel, watermelon, and two fruit cookies.
that totals in 360 calories.
[i had birthday cupcake but since it's birthday it doesn't actually count ;D]
and that's all i'm eating today.
i also had three bottles of water.
we'll see how much i weigh tomorrow.
i will also be walking my dog twice a day as soon as she moves to here.
if she does.
my mom is being really nice i love her so~
:3

i joined a pro-ana site to get tips and tricks on how these girls deal with hunger pains and i can honestly say i was disgusted by the majority of them.
80lbs?! at 5'7?! do you WANT to look like a stick?
no boy will ever touch you, because it will feel like cuddling a chair.
you'll never fit in clothes, you'll have to shop for custom made things because you'll have no curves.
and NO ONE will find you attractive except other people who are titched in the head.
i don't understand how these girls can see themselves that way. how they get that far down the path.
i am diagnosed with anorexia, but i don't see it as a disorder for myself. i choose how i am. i see myself realistically. i just am very harsh and judgmental and so what's "acceptable" for you isn't for me. i want a beautiful body. that's all.
i only have one life to live- i want to live it my way.

i hope you all do the same.

i plan on posting about how i really feel about ED's later on in the future. so stay tuned~
if you have questions for me just ask.
:3

calendar
oct ??? - GED testing
oct ??? - pedicure
oct ??? - leg waxing/facial
oct 6 - my birthday
oct 29 - Anime Convention youmacon