how /i/ lose weight

well, if you don't know already you're going to learn now. i am an anorexic. i lost nearly 50 pounds through anorexia my first time, gained 10, lost 10 like two or three times. and i want to lose 10 again.
i am 115.8LBs i would like to be 102. but i'll look at myself harshly at 108, and 106.
i only like some numbers so i have to be one of those three or i'll feel weird.
:3

back when i lost the most weight i ate up to 500 calories a day. sat on webcam all day and talked to people. played DDR and ate one weight waters diet meals a day. that was it.
and i did that for a long ass time. then i started losing weight really slowly because i stopped playing DDR and just starved, it took me so long to get to 106 and then every anorexics worst fear happened-
i was admitted to an inpatient mental hospital.
i gained 6 pounds there and have been losing and gaining for awhile now.
but never going below 108.
i desperately want to get back to where i was almost happy.
i wasn't skeletal but i wasn't perfectly flat yet either.

then in South Dakota i went from 110 to 115.8
and i'm going back to hardcore restricting until i get back down.

as you also know- my mom reads this. and it will scare her a lot. and i feel awful for scaring her. but this is my life, i don't want to live for anyone else. i just want me to be happy.

today i ate a yogurt, a mini bagel, watermelon, and two fruit cookies.
that totals in 360 calories.
[i had birthday cupcake but since it's birthday it doesn't actually count ;D]
and that's all i'm eating today.
i also had three bottles of water.
we'll see how much i weigh tomorrow.
i will also be walking my dog twice a day as soon as she moves to here.
if she does.
my mom is being really nice i love her so~
:3

i joined a pro-ana site to get tips and tricks on how these girls deal with hunger pains and i can honestly say i was disgusted by the majority of them.
80lbs?! at 5'7?! do you WANT to look like a stick?
no boy will ever touch you, because it will feel like cuddling a chair.
you'll never fit in clothes, you'll have to shop for custom made things because you'll have no curves.
and NO ONE will find you attractive except other people who are titched in the head.
i don't understand how these girls can see themselves that way. how they get that far down the path.
i am diagnosed with anorexia, but i don't see it as a disorder for myself. i choose how i am. i see myself realistically. i just am very harsh and judgmental and so what's "acceptable" for you isn't for me. i want a beautiful body. that's all.
i only have one life to live- i want to live it my way.

i hope you all do the same.

i plan on posting about how i really feel about ED's later on in the future. so stay tuned~
if you have questions for me just ask.
:3

calendar
oct ??? - GED testing
oct ??? - pedicure
oct ??? - leg waxing/facial
oct 6 - my birthday
oct 29 - Anime Convention youmacon

i was going to post about weight

but i got to depressed about my failures to lose so i'll just post my goal and then i'll talk about what i keep with me at all times.

i used to be 150lbs, then i lost so much weight that i was 106. now i'm 115. and i hate it~
i want to be 106 again, my body was almost pretty enough for my tastes.
so we'll see.
:3

anyway-
there is something every girl has no matter where you go. and if she doesn't have one... well she's just weird.
and i'm talking about~ a purse.
a bag.
a sack.
a backpack.
anything.
and they are usually HUGE AND HEAVY.

and what is in those bags you ask?
well i'll tell you what's in mine.

front left pocket : cellphone and DS
front right : iPod, keys, and digital camera
first big pocket : wallet, coin purse, tissues
back big pocket : makeup bag, pencil case, notebook, planner, contact case

i have a LOT of stuff.
and it's all important that i always have,
why?
i never know what i'll need.
i never know if i'll get stuck.
and i never know the future. obvi~

why do i need a notebook and a planner? because sometimes i get ideas for stories and i write.
and write.
and write.
or i need scrap paper to rip out.
plus it's cute.
:3

the thing that's hard, though, is big purse vs cute purse.
i found one that is both, a Tokidoki purse. it's wonderful.
but it is an over the shoulder, and i hate that!
but i deal because it's otherwise perfect.
:3


that's it really.
if you have questions just ask?