well, if you don't know already you're going to learn now. i am an anorexic. i lost nearly 50 pounds through anorexia my first time, gained 10, lost 10 like two or three times. and i want to lose 10 again.
i am 115.8LBs i would like to be 102. but i'll look at myself harshly at 108, and 106.
i only like some numbers so i have to be one of those three or i'll feel weird.
:3
back when i lost the most weight i ate up to 500 calories a day. sat on webcam all day and talked to people. played DDR and ate one weight waters diet meals a day. that was it.
and i did that for a long ass time. then i started losing weight really slowly because i stopped playing DDR and just starved, it took me so long to get to 106 and then every anorexics worst fear happened-
i was admitted to an inpatient mental hospital.
i gained 6 pounds there and have been losing and gaining for awhile now.
but never going below 108.
i desperately want to get back to where i was almost happy.
i wasn't skeletal but i wasn't perfectly flat yet either.
then in South Dakota i went from 110 to 115.8
and i'm going back to hardcore restricting until i get back down.
as you also know- my mom reads this. and it will scare her a lot. and i feel awful for scaring her. but this is my life, i don't want to live for anyone else. i just want me to be happy.
today i ate a yogurt, a mini bagel, watermelon, and two fruit cookies.
that totals in 360 calories.
[i had birthday cupcake but since it's birthday it doesn't actually count ;D]
and that's all i'm eating today.
i also had three bottles of water.
we'll see how much i weigh tomorrow.
i will also be walking my dog twice a day as soon as she moves to here.
if she does.
my mom is being really nice i love her so~
:3
i joined a pro-ana site to get tips and tricks on how these girls deal with hunger pains and i can honestly say i was disgusted by the majority of them.
80lbs?! at 5'7?! do you WANT to look like a stick?
no boy will ever touch you, because it will feel like cuddling a chair.
you'll never fit in clothes, you'll have to shop for custom made things because you'll have no curves.
and NO ONE will find you attractive except other people who are titched in the head.
i don't understand how these girls can see themselves that way. how they get that far down the path.
i am diagnosed with anorexia, but i don't see it as a disorder for myself. i choose how i am. i see myself realistically. i just am very harsh and judgmental and so what's "acceptable" for you isn't for me. i want a beautiful body. that's all.
i only have one life to live- i want to live it my way.
i hope you all do the same.
i plan on posting about how i really feel about ED's later on in the future. so stay tuned~
if you have questions for me just ask.
:3
calendar
oct ??? - GED testing
oct ??? - pedicure
oct ??? - leg waxing/facial
oct 6 - my birthday
oct 29 - Anime Convention youmacon
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so how do you deal with your hunger pains? thats one of my biggest issues.
ReplyDeleteto be perfectly honest, i don't get hunger pains anymore. after i went to the hospital they never came back.instead, i feel nauseous. and that wont go away until i eat or sleep. if it's really bad i will eat an entire cucumber, because there is nothing but goodness in them. they can't make you fat in any way and are delicious.
ReplyDeleteso i suggest you find a veggie you like and eat it until those hunger pains stfu.
what i've heard works is apple cider vinegar. two table spoons should shut your stomach up.
thank you! ill try it. i really hope it works. 140 is not a good weight to be.
ReplyDeletedepends on your height, honestly.
ReplyDeletework out! do NOT just starve. loose skin is just as ugly as fat.
im only 5'7".
ReplyDeleteyour actually not thinking realistically about yourself if your saying those girls are ugly being so thin, your trying to be like them just not as small. basically your being a hypocrite by saying your different when really your not. you are tech an anorexic and you cant deny that. but you really need some medical help with this because it will kill you and hurt you more than you realize.
ReplyDelete5'7 and 140lbs is not that big. your BMI is 21.something and mine is 19.something.
ReplyDeleteso if you think i'm thin you have to realize we're not that far apart.
<33
i find skeletons ugly, i don't deny that i'm anorexic [i choose to be. i WANT to be] but i DO find skeletons ugly. they look disgusting and i would never be that way.
I'm not gonna criticize you for wanting to lose weight. I'd be a hypocrite.
ReplyDeleteBut...I think you can get down at least to 106 without doing anything nearly as drastic as what you're doing. And you'll be much healthier and able to maintain it better.
1500 calories a day of very low fat stuff will most likely make you lose a lot of weight. Just cutting meat out of your diet and replacing it with beans. And not eating fried foods.
idk...i went from 117 to 105 that way. and it's been so easy to maintain. i can even eat stuff like cake and doughnuts every day without gaining weight. Just in moderation.
And doing stuff like that is actually good for you. You don't just get thinner. You feel healthier.
-Vert
My only question... is... well. I'm wondering if you'd be willing to post about your time in the hospital? What lead up to it, what happened while you were there, and what happened immediately after. Just something I'm curious about .__.
ReplyDeleteVert, i understand this sounds drastic to you. but to me it's so normal. i was eating maybe 1200 calories when i gained all the weight. so cutting down to like 500, 800, isn't that much. it's what my body is used to.
ReplyDeletei ate 360 calories yesterday, and a GIANT cupcake in celebration of my birthday, and i lost an entire pound. i feel fine, if anything i still feel really full.
anon, i will post about my hospital experience, sure. i wasn't there long though so i don't have too much to say. but it was an interesting time.
love for you, dear Charlotte. you're still beautiful, will be and always were.
ReplyDeletehope that was a damn good cupcake, and a good birthday. happy seventeen.
-Stan